I’m scared


Right now I’m feeling a little bit Baby-Dirty-Dancing, you know the one: I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I’ve seen, I’m scared of what I’ve done [and not done] and I’m scared of who I am. And most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you! Ok, maybe not the last one, but it would have been a bit criminal to leave that bit out*.

I am scared, I think it’s hard not to be when the systems that have held the world together for the last few centuries appear to be unravelling before our very eyes. People say that every generation thinks that they are the ones at the crucial moment, the point where history turns a sharp corner, and it’s true that the last few generations certainly have seen some pretty huge changes, but in our case it appears we really are going to have face up to a pivotal moment.

We as a species will need to decide whether to give it all we’ve got to get out of this mess we’re in, or whether we keep going with our eyes half closed, and let the political chaos and consequent environmental destruction continue until the point of no return (which according to some reports could be 2042. To make that real for me, I only need to think about my daughters who will be 34 and 32 then, and I’ll be 68. SHIT).

As if the world falling apart is not enough to worry about, my own little world is feeling pretty shaky too right now. 18 months on from a sudden and devastating separation, I’m wavering between positivity, ‘everything will be alright’ and deep fear of losing my children, and on a lesser level losing my home, my security and of course my shit.

It’s really hard when some other woman is kissing your children goodnight, plaiting their hair and making up stories with them. Even harder when they happily tell you about it when they get home and you have to pretend with a big fake smile plastered to your face that, wow that is sooo great!! It’s even harder when that woman is the one who had an affair with your partner. So yes. Although I know, in the big picture, my kids are going nowhere, and I will always be their mum, there are primal fears at work here that just get me all the time.

And the personal fear somehow is echoed by the fear for the world and it all swirls around in a big unpleasant murky mess. What to do? Some ideas…

  • Face the Fear – yes that old chestnut. Not as easy as it sounds. But if I really face the fear of losing my children, I can stop letting that fear influence some of the scared choices I am still making now. I can stand strong in my own truth and let that be my guide instead. If we truly face our fears about the world, that would involve extricating ourselves from the very complicated system of denial in which we’re all entangled (as spoken about very eloquently by musician Anohni on Radio 6 today ) and if we managed that we would be compelled into action.
  • Stand in Hope – as Anohni said, despite all the atrocious stuff that is going on, the global situation is still hopeful and that is exciting. I am hopeful too about my own personal future with my girls.
  • Believe in Action – ditch the apathy, action (by us, not someone else) can work and it’s the only way to change anything. Not sure how this works in my personal situation, never mind.
  • Bury your head in the sand – always tempting. So tempting…

There you have it, my thoughts for the day. If you can, please do listen to the Anohni clip, it’s incredibly interesting and inspiring.

*Purists (most women aged between 39 and 42) might have noticed this is not quite word-for-word, sorry to mess with a classic. Poetic licence.


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